Full Of Grace
by Val Perham
Summary: 'If all of the strength and all of the courage  Come and lift me from this place  I know I could love you much better than this  Full of grace'    Song-fic    Implied FExilexKavar


**A/N: **Hokay, so I know it's been a while. I've been uber busy. But this scene has been rolling around in my head for a while, but I wasn't entirely sure how to pull it off. But then, while re-watching the last episode of the second season Of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which is totally awesome and everyone should watch it, btw) , and I heard this song, and I was like 'HOLY GOD!' and I used it. It's called 'Full Of Grace' and it's by Sarah McLaughlin.. It's a beautiful song, and I worked. ENJOY!

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. No suing, kaithnksbai.**

**CLAIMER: However, I do own all of Dei and her past. Oh, plus Keeran, who really isn't all that important to this story. Steal, and I'll hunt you down and go Axel (the Ansem Retort version) on your ass. Mmkay?**

**

* * *

**

It was over. Kreia was dead. Sion was…probably dead. He did mysteriously disappear in a puff of smoke. Atris…well, they hadn't exactly decided what they were going to do with her yet. Atton was all for killing her, after what she had put their crew through. More specifically, what she had put Dei through. Yet Dei still stood, albeit a few new scars to add to her collection. Both ones that could be seen and ones that couldn't. She stood, the ghosts of her past still haunting her, but now only three. Three men who had influenced her life, more than they could ever know.

'_The winter here's cold, and bitter  
It's chilled us to the bone  
We haven't seen the sun for weeks  
To long too far from home'_

The woman formerly known as the Jedi Exile walked the all-too familiar path to the ruined enclave. In her mind's eye, Dei could still see its former glory. The beauty it used to posses, and in a way, it still possessed. If she closed her eyes, she could still see, and even hear, the way it had been when she was young. When she was a padawan. When she was a Jedi. She could hear the clamor of the people demanding to see the council, see the beaming grin on Alek's face when she and Keeran were there with him. Was it odd that she still thought of them by those names? Not by Malak or Revan, the traitors to the republic, the fallen Jedi, but as Alek, the awkward boy she had saved from bullies, and Keeran Starsflame, the confident girl from Deralia. The three of them had been inseparable. That is, until the War. After Malachor, Deirdre had chosen to go back and face the Jedi Council's judgment. They did not. It was the last time she saw either of them, and she now knew that Alek-Malak was dead. By Keeran's hand, no less. And she was Keeran once again. But she was long gone as well. No one could find her.

The copper-haired woman drew her robes closer to her body, shivering. It was winter on Dantooine, she realized. That was why it was so quiet. All the kinrath were hibernating, as were the iriaz and kath hounds. The calls of animals were no longer heard. It made the area seem almost mournful; as if it knew what had happened in the enclave. Deirdre felt a tear slip down her cheek.

'_I feel just like I'm sinking  
And I claw for solid ground  
I'm pulled down by the undertow  
I never thought I could feel so low'_

She wasn't entirely sure when she had arrived at the courtyard. Or when she had knelt beside his body. Or when she had started sobbing into his chest, wishing for him to come back to her, so she could take back the last words she had said to him. To each of them. In her mind, memories flashed before her. Vrook, bandaging her arm after she had been attacked by a kath hound. '_You stupid girl! You could have been killed,' he had said. She knew, though, that he only said this because he cared about her. He was like her second father. He had been worried, seeing all the blood. She had asked him not to use the Force to heal the wound. 'It doesn't hurt that bad. Besides, scars tell stories. That's what Keeran says.' This she told him, matter-of-factly, as she flicked a lock of choppy auburn hair from her eyes. Vrook had looked up at her, his mouth a thin line. 'And if Keeran had told you that you could fly by jumping off the roof, would you do that, too?' 'Of course. Everyone can fly. It takes special skill to land properly, though.' He had chuckled at that, and she knew everything was fine again. _The last thing she had said to that man, the one who had cared for her like a father would? 'I hope that you're captured by bounty hunters again. Because the next time, I won't be there to save your sorry ass.'

Zez Kai-Ell, stopping by when Kavar was training her. _'That's one hell of a padawan you got there, Kavar,' He said, leaning against the doorframe. Dei automatically took a shine to him. Most of the time when other Masters stopped by during her training sessions, they criticized her, made her feel like she wasn't good enough. But this one, this Zez Kai-Ell, treated her like an equal. Yes, he told her what she could do better, but he didn't patronize her. She automatically trusted him. _The last time she saw him, she had yelled at him about Keeran, telling him that he had no right to mess with people's lives, let alone their minds.

And Kavar. ..

'_Oh darkness I feel like letting go  
If all of the strength and all of the courage  
Come and lift me from this place  
I know I could love you much better than this  
Full of grace'_

Too many moments to comprehend flashed before her. His smile. The way he smelled. The way he held her when she cried. The stolen kisses in the night. His laugh. Everything. If she could just have one more chance, to tell him the she still loved him, in spite of everything he had put her through and vice versa. To talk to him one last time. '_Why the long face, pretty girl?' He wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder. Dei smiled sadly, removing herself from his embrace. 'What has the council decided,' she asked, her voice barely a whisper. Kavar looked at her. Every time she saw that look, she realized how he wasn't all that much older than her, and yet, he was. Three short years separated them, but premature responsibility had aged him far beyond his years. 'We're not going to war, Dei. The council believes it's too early for us to decide if the Mandolorians really are a threat to the galaxy.' 'You want proof? Go ask Alek about his home planet. Go to Onderon. Listen to the screams in the Force. The Mandolorians have to be stopped, Kavar. You know that as well as I do.' 'It's not my decision, Deirdre. I'm sorry.' He moved towards her, his eyes pleading for forgiveness. 'No. I'm sorry. I can't just sit here and let innocent people die. I'm going, Kavar. And you can't stop me.' _ The last thing she had ever said to him was that she didn't forgive him for letting the council exile her. That she hated him.

It was his body she was crying against. "I still love you," She whispered. He couldn't be dead. He couldn't really be gone. None of them could. They could cut her off from the Force, they could exile her again, she didn't care. She needed them. They were her constants. Even in her blind anger, she had never truly hated any of them. Not Vrook. Not Zez Kai-Ell. And certainly not Kavar.

'_My love  
So it's better this way, I said  
Having seen this place before  
Where everything we said and did  
Hurts us all the more  
It's just that we stayed, too long  
In the same old sickly skin'_

These three were the last ties she had to the old Deirdre. To the prodigal Jedi Knight. Everyone else had either died or fallen to the dark side. Or had their mind wiped. After her trial, Kavar had tried to convince her to stay, to talk to the council again. She had refused. She told him that she didn't want to stay with a traitor. That she didn't want a relationship with someone who she couldn't trust. That she was better off without him. She had left him there, stunned and hurt. The memory cut her like a knife. She shouldn't have said all the awful things she had. Yes, Vrook had been an ass when she saved him. But she should have seen that was just his way of trying to protect himself, in case she wanted to hurt him, not physically, but emotionally. She had been building up all the bitterness, however, towards all the Jedi, that she had been blinded.

'_I'm pulled down by the undertow  
I never thought I could feel so low  
Oh darkness I feel like letting go  
If all of the strength  
And all of the courage  
Come and lift me from this place  
I know I could love you much better than this  
Full of grace  
Full of grace  
My love'_

Slowly, the sobs slowed and stopped. Dei sat up, her eyes closed. If she saw him again, her will would break. She slowly stood up, turning her back to their corpses. "I'm so sorry." Her voice cracked, her throat sore from the crying. She prayed that they could hear it, where ever they were. She let one last tear fall, before she turned and walked away.

* * *

**A/N: **So, originally I was going to have Atton or Bao or someone come and comfort her, but then I realized that this is really something that Dei had to do by herself. To prove to herself that she's strong, because in case you haven't noticed, Dei holds on by a thread a good portion of the time. Also, I may add an alternative ending to this at some point, depending on what I decide to do with her love life.

I hope you liked it. Reviews are greatly loved.


End file.
